Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
