I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
