How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
