Swine flu is the new snow day.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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