I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
