Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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