Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
