I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
