I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I want a musical about memes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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