The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
