i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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