1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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