I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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