I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
