He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So many bounce houses so little time
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
