then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
