What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
