My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Randomize
