if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
