my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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