Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
