Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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