found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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