look no pants
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
they need to just BURY HIM!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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