When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
