Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
