At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
