I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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