it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
