She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
