I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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