Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just sent this text using only my big toe
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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