my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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