How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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