Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
