70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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