i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
