also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
