I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
