Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
