I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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