Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
