dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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