Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
