can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
