It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
