Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
