Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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