i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
