I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he was CRYING into my vagina
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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