i wish my penis had a tongue
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
