I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
