I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
