someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
