you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
