Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
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If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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