if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
