I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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